| Not doing too good right now... |
[May. 26th, 2009|03:13 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Smiths - Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me | ] |
Things at home aren't too great right now. Mom got out a week ago and she's drinking still. She had an almost empty bottle of brandy next to her bed and it just hurt so bad to see it. Her excuse: "That's for my period. It's from before I went to jail." Fuck her. I'm so sick of crying, and I've been crying for probably the last half hour and I cried all last night and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. I know I'm going to my bad place, but it just hurts so much. I can't get a hold of Sarah, and I don't want to bother Nana and Aunt Stacey with it because they've already got so much going on... I'm getting back into Morrissey and The Smiths really bad, and I always get into them really bad when I'm not in my good place. As much as I love them, they have that music that feeds into when I get depressed. There's also the not sleeping, which is coming back heavily. When I'm doing good, I'm pretty much a hypersomniac, but when I'm depressed, I'm in insomniac. And, of course, the crying. The crying is new, I never dealt with it the first round of depression, that time I was a robot. Now anything sets me off. Honestly, Saturday night, Aunt Sophie was talking about how she wasn't drunk yet and I hate how she was talking that way in front of my cousins. I hate that she is that way. All the shit I went through with Mom's drinking just hurts and is just an open wound whenever I hear about it. Admittedly, she probably would have apologised if she knew everything that went on when things with Mom was really bad. When Mom was the only one I had and she was too busy getting tipsy in the tub to consider the fact that I wasn't doing good either, that I was so angry and depressed all the time and she wasn't there.
There was one time where I told her before school that I was going to be going to the library afterschool. This was 8th grade, the library was right across the street from my school, but like three or four miles from my house. It was winter, it was about -20 that day. Around the time I thought she would pick me up, I called her and got no answer. I left three messages, hoping she'd receive at least one. I waited outside for half an hour before just walking to the busstop and taking it home. When I got home, I expected her to be all dressed up in winter gear saying, "Oh hey Honey Bunny, I was just about to come over and pick you up. Sorry, I got your messages late." Something like that. But no. When I got home, she was passed out naked on the couch. It just hurt so much and made me so mad. It was one of the things that just made me hate her so much.
Then there was when she got her DUI and that really just was the straw that broke the camel's back. I wouldn't telk to her, I was just so mad at her. I didn't tell Nana and Aunt Stacey for months because I was so ashamed of her and so mad at her. At the time, it took everything in me not to cry in front of them, because they would have been tears of anger and humiliation and pain and I just didn't want to show them that side of me.
Its not that I don't share anything with them. I love them so much, I just don't want them to have to bear all my shit along with the crap that they already have to deal with. They have the shame of Sophie, I have the shame of my mother. They have their hurts, and I have mine. I don't want to burden them more than I already do.
I just needed to get this all of my chest, you know? I could most definitely cry about it some more, but I really need to start cleaning myself up. Its going to be morning soon, and I need the bloodshot to fade before Grandmere sees me. |
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| Comments: |
From: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) au79
2009-05-26 08:40 pm (UTC)
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I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this awful shit. I really wish there was some way I could help. | |
